Ironic Consumer Icon-ic Consumer

Videogames     Toys     Movies     Misc.    

Auction     Staff     Links     Contact    

Snapper Hand
by Ridley

There's nothing I hate more than having to walk all the way over to something, bend over over and pick it up! You can imagine the expression on my face when I saw this amazing little tool. Introducing: Snapper Hand! The illustration shows a little kid using one of these gummy miracles to magically grab a nickel, a screw, and a pink pearl necklace, all in one fell swoop. Look how happy he is!

"I want to feel that kind of happiness," I told the cashier, and made my purchase. On the front of the package, beneath the hand, it says "Shapps on anything, back in 7 FEET". Now let me ask you a question, have you ever "shapped" on anything? Neither had I (legally), until the first time I whipped back the rubbery, whip-like extension of my arm and shapped a paper clean off of my desk... from 7 FEET BACK!

Shapper Hand
The package claimed it would maintain it's shape no matter how I treated it, so I dressed it up like a little girl and made it dance on bar tables. Sure enough, $47 in singles and one thrown beer bottle head injury later, it "shapped" back to normal!
I ripped the package open and dared my wife to lay a dollar on the table. When she did, I tilted my head back and roared, "prepare to be shapped upon!"

She gasped as I flung my arm towards the ill-fated dollar. With missile-like precision the hand whistled towards the bill at speeds invisible to the human eye. The hand missed it's mark and shapped on the table next to the dollar. With a crooked sneer, I flicked my wrist and summoned the grasping paw back to it's master. "This is going to take some practice" I thought, as I peeled the hand off my face.

It was time to read the instructions.

  • Don't throw it at anyone's face.
  • Don't go to places nearby fire.
  • Harmless, but do not eat.
  • The insect picture on this card can be cut off along the lining, and be used to play with.
Well obviously the first thing I'm going to do is throw it at my wife's face and "slap" her for laughing at my attempt to confiscate her dollar! But first, I must master the throwing technique.

Snapper Hand

Step one: "Pull it backward using both hands, then throw it out holding base with one hand."

Step two: "Stretch as if it is a fishing rod, capable of extending far."

I dug a fishing rod out of storage and tried to stretch it. It could bend, but not stretch. Perhaps mine needed an upgrade.

I put on some leather gloves, safety glasses, an orange vest, steel toed boots, and a life jacket, just to be extra safe. I also advised my neighbors to extinguish any fires that might be burning in their homes — I wasn't about to go places nearby fire!

Now I needed a test subject. It stated on the card that the insect picture could be cut out and I could use it to practice with. I had to search the front and back of the card three times before I found the insect picture. I'm definitely going to need a magnifying glass and a surgical scalpel!

I couldn't find a scalpel anywhere, and the atrocity I'd commit with a pair of scissors would have the ASPCA banging down my door. Frustrated, I contacted the manufacturer. The manager simply said, "Youse wants a cardboard bug, by golly, youse gets a cardboard bug!" With that, he hung up. The next day I was opening an overnight shipping package that to my surprise, contained this:

Now we're getting somewhere! I cut some of the bugs out on the package and began practicing. Day and night I trained.

Batman has his utility belt, Spider-Man has his webs, now I, Stickypickupman have these! by tucking the black handles underneath my watch bands, I found that I can flick my wrists and attach them to things like Spider-Man does! I decided to share my new found skill with mankind and to rid the world of evil (and out of reach objects).

To Be Continued...

"Hello there! I'm Ridley. I was in the neighborhood and decided to swing by, ha-ha-ha. My wacky adventures continue in Stickypickupman: The Movie!

If the thought of a two meg download scares the living daylights out of you, read about it in Comic-o-Vision™ (250kb).

Whatever you do, do not stop reading, because that would be downright super villian-y of you."

(2.1mb .wmv file)

- Ridley harmed no wives the making of this article.

Back to Ironic Consumer

Created by J.R. Antrim. Content copyright © 2003. All rights reserved.
. Antrim. Content copyright © 2003. All rights reserved.