An Ironic Consumer interview by J.R. Antrim
J.R. Antrim: So, you're a pumpkin.
Mr. Pumpkin: Right.
J.R. Antrim: In a brown sweater.
Mr. Pumpkin: And your point is?
J.R. Antrim: Er... nothing. Let me start by saying, Happy Halloween!
Mr. Pumpkin: Happy? Ha! What's there to be happy about?
J.R. Antrim: Well, there are costumes, candy, decorations...
Mr. Pumpkin: People trying to carve me open, teenagers trying to smash me, little kiddies beggin' for pie. Let me tell you, this is not a good time of year to be a pumpkin.
J.R. Antrim: Don't pumpkins generally grow this time of year?
Mr. Pumpkin: Exactly. THAT'S how much my life sucks. I'm constantly hounded, and in a couple months... mush. Throw me in the backyard and call me fertilizer.
J.R. Antrim: Oh, I wouldn't say —
Mr. Pumpkin: No, I understand. I get all black and sticky and gross. I wouldn't touch myself like that. Not that I could, with these stumpy little arms —
J.R. Antrim: Allright! New subject. What's that you're carrying there?
Mr. Pumpkin: It's a welcome sign.
J.R. Antrim: I notice it looks more like plastic vomit.
Mr. Pumpkin: You got me. I just painted "welcome" there so it wouldn't look like I had vomit glued to my hand. And before you ask, the string is there to remind me that I'm going to die alone and never find love.
J.R. Antrim: Don't say that. You're a perfectly... orange looking pumpkin. I'm sure you'll eventually score with some foxy pumpette.
Mr. Pumpkin: Obviously you weren't paying attention. I'm a pumpkin! Best case scenario, nobody guts me and I get to die a peaceful death. Only then will my rotting body release its seed into the earth.
J.R. Antrim: ...
J.R. Antrim: So the miracle of life for you is just zombie-fucking the ground?
Mr. Pumpkin: Exactly.
J.R. Antrim: Okay, I'm convinced. It sucks to be a pumpkin. But I still love pumpkin pie!
Mr. Pumpkin: Oh god, it's sick! You people make pie out of our head meat!
J.R. Antrim: Come on, try a bite.
Mr. Pumpkin: No!
J.R. Antrim: Come on, smell that cinnamon...
Mr. Pumpkin: Never! I'm glad you guys have serial killers! See how you like it!
J.R. Antrim: That's it.
[Shoves pie in face]
Mr. Pumpkin: *chomp*chew*swallow* Oh god, why can't I stop myself? I'm a filthy man, a filthy dirty man!
J.R. Antrim: See? Everybody loves pumpkin pie.
Mr. Pumpkin: Oh god, you bastard — that pie was my mother!
J.R. Antrim Wow, small patch. This has been J.R. Antrim, wishing you all a Happy Halloween!
Mr. Pumpkin: *uncontrollable sobbing*
- J.R. "Thor" Antrim likes them french fried pump'ktaters. Uh huh.
Left on the Cutting Room Floor
J.R. Antrim: I notice you're a most peculiar pumpkin --
Mr. Pumpkin: Ooh wow, nice alliteration. I notice you're a most horrible human.
J.R. Antrim: Thank you.
Back to Ironic Consumer
Created by J.R. "Thor" Antrim. Content Copyright © 2003-2005. All rights reserved.