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An Ironic Consumer review by Ridley

WOW! That cover makes it look like an awesome Sci-Fi epic adventure doesn't it? There are huge battles with spaceships, robots, and busty heroines. The back cover shows Richard Moll, who played the bumbling baliff Bull Shannon on the 80's sitcom "Night Court" in a cool cape and with mystical powers. I mean, with a name like GALAXIS you can't go wrong, right?

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. It went wrong on so many levels.

Bull's powers were special allright, special in the "Mommy! Look what I drew on the film with magic markers!" sense. I bought this movie thinking that it would be an exciting Sci-Fi space adventure. And it is — for the first ten minutes. The rest of this "vomit-on-film" takes place on Earth. Along with sleazy loan sharks, bumbling detectives, and thugs. They rip a lot of the major Sci-Fi movies off, too. Take this for instance. This is a gauntlet on Richard Moll's character, Kyla. Look familliar?


You guessed it. Predator knives! Only Bull Shannon, Judge Harry's loveable baliff has 4 blades instead of 2! They even slide out when he makes a fist for Pete's sake. Oh yeah, he can also do the Darth Vader "Force Choke". Pathetic.

Galaxis "I'm not touching you!"
Kyla (Bull [Richard Moll]) wants a magic crystal because it will make him invincible, all powerful, and able to eat raw cookie dough without worrying about contracting salmonella. Brigitte Nielsen plays Ladera, who is, of course, the heroine of the film. The writer of this movie borrowed from Terminator quite a bit. During a raid on their base, a little boy goes to where the crystal is being held and tosses a guard aside like a rag doll. Another guard shouts "Cybrog! Cyborg!" The kid holds his hands out and shakes his head back and forth, and morphs into a 6 foot tall Bobble-Head robot. At this point I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I actually felt embarrassed!

Galaxis Yes, its head "bobbles".
The "cyborg" kills just about everybody in the base, clearing the way for Kyla. Kyla then says some corny lines including "Resistance is futile." The screenwriter is apparently the master of "copy" and "paste." Kyla mortally wounds Ladera's brother, Tarkin and takes the crystal. He touches it, screams and dissappears. Tarkin tells The Albino Amazon with his last breath that there is another crystal on Earth.

Oh, one funny thing is that one of Tarkin's officers happens to be none other than the director of Spider-Man!

Galaxis That's none other than Sam Raimi
trying to cut a deal with Bull(Moll[Kyla]).
The film cuts to some sleasy bar where an Indiana Jones wannabe named Jed Sanders sells the other crystal, which he recently found in Peru. Wow, what perfect intergalactic timing! Outside the bar, Ledara (the Jolly Blonde Giant[Nielsen{Sly Stallone's ex wife}]) appears on Earth in Terminator like fashion.

Back in the bar, Sanders gets confronted by the loanshark who financed his trip to Peru. He somehow knows about the crystal and he wants it. Talk about annoying! This loanshark character is the most annoying person ever to be filmed besides Pauly Shore. This "actor"'s name is Fred Asparagus. How fitting, he reminds me of something green, slimey, and stinky pee.


That picture is almost as annoying as his voice. Ledara shows up and saves Sanders. Then Kyla shows up and we get to see his powers in action. Ok, special effects guys, get your magic markers out...

Galaxis AWESOME! They made it into that metal elevator before the who knows how many volts of lightning hit them. By this point, I had rolled my eyes up so many times they almost fell out on my cheeks, dangling by their optic nerves.

Now the police get involved. Oh look! They're even eating a box of doughnuts! Just cliche the hell out of this movie, guys.

Galaxis Ladera and Sanders next track a guy that has a suitcase with some diamonds in it (?). This leads them to a nightclub featuring a band that reminded me of the one in Alien Factor, except the chicks in this band weren't as creepy. Or clothed.

The crystal in a room in the back where a high stakes poker game is being played, and as soon as they get their hands on it, guess what. Kyla shows up and all heck breaks loose yet again. They manage to escape him, but the detectives are waiting at the door. They capture the swedish amazon and the mullet wearing loser and take them to HQ.

Galaxis Take a good long look at that, because that is what needs to be done to Lady Nielsen for being in this travesty. Heck, I printed this out on an iron-on transfer and made a t-shirt out of it. After a bit of intense questioning by the detective, Richard Moll (Kyla[Bull Shannon{DungeonMaster}]) shows up and all heck breaks loose... much like the scene in Terminator where Ahnald goes into the police station looking for Sarah Conner. (Originality in this movie is as rare as a full set of teeth in Southwest Virginia.) One good thing does happen though, Bull the Baliff disintegrates the Detective who looks like a housewife. Just look at these jaw-dropping special effects (you have to drop your jaw to yawn).


Well, the special effects guys with their Sharpies® did that, but we won't beat that dead horse. Maggots might come out of its nostrils. Anywho, Dolph Lundgren's twin sister and Wings Hauser's stunt double run off to some kind of chemical factory, followed by Porky Asparagus the whaleshark and his thugs, and a game of cat and mouse ensues. Kyla shows up and kills the thugs one by one (now they're ripping off a slasher movie?). He vaporizes one guy and all that's left is his goofy looking skeleton. This wouldn't even make a decent biology class display:


Kyla and Ledara get in a mediocre melee, she kills him, a helicopter explodes, and she dives on Sanders to protect him. For you fanboys that wanted to get a glimps of Brigitte's funbags, this is as close as it gets:


Woah! See that! One of them almost fell out! Right before Ledara enters the "Timeline" to go back to planet Soundstage, she leans in to kiss Sanders. She beams out 6 inches before they're lips contact! This movie could be rated G, folks, but is rated R. Let's see: no gore, moderate cursing, no nudity, and no sexual contact. Not even a kiss! Just what made them give this movie an R rating? The only thing I can think of is R = Rotten as in Rotten Tomato.

- Ridley

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Created by J.R. Antrim. Content copyright © 2003-2004. All rights reserved.
J.R. Antrim. Content Copyright © 2003-2005. All rights reserved.