An Ironic Consumer review by J.R. Antrim
I'm not too keen on Christmas lore, but I think the story goes something like this: There's a big, bearded, generous old guy who wants to give you toys — if you've been good, that is. But if you've been naughty... you'll awake Christmas morning to find a lump of coal in your stocking.
Hey, it's better than finding a hobo spider in your stocking. Back then a lump of coal could mean a few seconds of heat for a family on the verge of hypothermia. And yet coal, along with fruit cake and any game Seanbaby reviews, is considered to be the very worst of all possible Christmas gifts.
The folks at Wrigley hope to change all that.
It's hard to describe how Santa's Coal feels through the miniature gift bags* it comes in. A little like a real lump of coal, only one that crumbles at the slightest touch. Most of the bags felt like a sack of rice. I dug deep and found a couple to review. Then I kinda sorta dropped them. On my second trip to the counter, everything would have been fine if my brother hadn't made a wild grab for the Play** magazine I was reading. Third time's the charm: I brought those suckers home and opened them up.
I like how Santa laughs as he hands you what appears to be a fresh pile of steaming deer turds. He's like that uncle everyone had who thought sucker punches were practical jokes.
Jolly old elf? More like right old bastard.
* Just like the one Santa uses!
** Play, not Playboy. Actually, same concept, only with videogames.
Oh, I get it. The reason the lumps of coal kept disentigrating is because they aren't supposed to be big lumps, they're supposed to be lump flakes, or lump dandruff if you will. Okay so it's pretty obvious from the package, but in my defense, I didn't even see that Santa picture until after I got home and stole it from some candy site.
Well, here goes nothing.
Oh dear God.
As far as gum goes, Santa's isn't too bad. I thought fruit flavoring was a strange decision, especially since lichoriche is such an obvious choice, but grape works. Grape and me get along just fine. Just as long as it's not grape soda (which, for the record, is totally eww.)
So far so good. Let's eat the whole pack.
Words cannot describe the feeling you get when you try to chew half a pack of Santa's Coal all at once. Wait, they can: Horrible. My mouth filled with sugary grit, like I was trying to choke down some over-sweetened fiber solution. My mouth started to fill with fluid — there was too much for it to be spit. There was some grotesque chemical reaction going on, foaming and bubbling over.
Then my throat started to close up.
I frantically tried to chew the demon-gum into submission, and after what seemed like hours, I was able to gulp down the toxic syrup, leaving me with a substance remarkably similliar to bubble gum. Chewy bubble gum. That gave me an idea.
Too bad I forgot about my mustache.
You know how if you bite into a Wint-O-Green Life Savers in the dark, there's a spark? Well I heard it from this guy who heard it from this other guy who heard it from his sister that if you bite into Santa's Coal in the dark, theres's a spark that could ignite your head. (Of course, Life Savers emit a spark due to triboluminescence, whereas Santa's Coal Bubble Gum emits sparks due to the fact that it's highly flammable.)
Santa's Coal has many uses other than chewing gum. Charcoal absorbs ordor. There's not one hot date or important meeting I'd attend without a couple of these babies strapped under my pits. Certain types of gum can also help you clean your teeth. Santa's Coal is not one of them. It turned my teeth black. I'm sure there are other things you can do with gum, but it's been so long since I saw MacGuyver, I just can't think of any.
- J.R. Antrim got a bag of briquettes for Solstice, and he's already chewed his way through half a bag!
Rare Unreleased Special Christmas Under-the-Tree Bonus Funtime Footage!
Two out of two cats agree:
"We hate Santa's Coal Bubble Gum!"
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